Joy ride

I don’t know what Jun Lozada was complaining about when he said that the PNP, with the help of the ASG, PSG, American Green Berets, the CIA, and the Mossad, and some other hoodlums in uniform (did you notice how military men sound alike-that they speak as if they were drunk or nursing a strong hang over?), abducted him at the airport. It was clear from the testimonies of these state security agents that he was merely taken for a joy ride, perhaps to cheer him up. He looked so gloomy said his boss Litong-lito Atienza so, “I asked Colonel Rocky (Bulldog) Marciano to take him around town” said he. Lito lito then called Gen. MamangPulis to take Jun for a spin as he is, in the words of Sergio Apostol, a “Probinsyanong Instik” after all. This is a narration of how it could have happened:

Jun Lozano was walking down the stairs onto the tarmac when he heard someone shouting “Pusila pusila”! An armoured carrier, the same one that crashed into the front door of the Manila Penn just a few months ago, almost ran the poor chinaman down (Jun lozada). Then a giant of a man, Colonel Rocky, managed to squeeze his bulk out of the APC and said “Your honor, we were sent by Secretary Litong lito to secure you from communist terrorists, the BID, and Wack Wack golfers all who have threatened your life!” By this time Jun Lozada was handcuffed, blindfolded, and lying unconscious inside a jute sack. While Rocky’s men carried and threw the unconscious form of Jun into the back of the APC The colonel called Sec. Litong lito to ask what he was to do with the Probinsyanong Instik. Take him for a joyride, was the reply, cheer him up and make sure he doesn’t go to the senate because if the senators get hold of him they will force him to speak the Truth! Upon hearing that ugly word (truth) the colonel shuddered and said, “Yes sir I’ll make sure that Lozada never speaks the truth again”.

When Jun Lozada woke up he said “Where am I?” He and Col. Rocky were floating on a raft that was winding down a river in the middle of the jungle. Rocky hisses to the hapless Lozada, “be quiet we are in the middle of Abu Sayyaf territory in Bongao Tawi Tawi”. Jun Lozada wailed, he cried out “ayaw na ayaw ko na nga ma pasok sa gulo ng pulitika, ngayon ipapakain mo naman ako sa buaya”. Rocky then said, “Don’t you get it, we are protecting you from the truth. “

While Jun and Rocky were hacking their way out of the dense jungle, MamangPulis, Litong Lito, and Palace Spokesman Paul Bunyan entertained the frantic friends and family of Jun Lozada with a Tikal tikal (tall tale) contest held among themselves at the palace grounds where they tried to outdo each other in telling lies. Mike Defensor, who was not even in government anymore, won hands down.

After crossing seventeen rivers, climbing ten mountains, and visiting eleven SM malls Jun and Rocky finally headed back to Metro Manila. Col. Rocky ran out of eload and Jun wouldn’t let him use his credit card to buy the same. Upon arriving in Manila some mercenary nuns and the Lasing Brothers hijacked the jeepney that Rocky and Jun were riding in. The Lasing brothers and sisters then handed Jun Lozada to the Senate where he was forced to speak the truth. The rest is now history. This is the real story of Jun Lozada and his text mate Col. Rocky. Col. Rocky was eventually demoted to corporal and sentenced to listen to Sec. Litong Lito, Defensor, Bunyan, and the rest of the tikal tikal gang for ten consecutive tikal tikal contests.

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Joker Arroyo unwittingly hit on the truth when he asked Jun Lozada to explain why he didn’t go to London, as indicated in his travel request form, when he was already in Hong Kong. When Jun Lozada tried to explain that he never really intended to go to London (he didn’t even have a visa) and that his bosses knew about this Joker almost shouted and said “What your telling us that all these government officials are in conspiracy with you!” Hello Senator Arroyo, are you there sir?” Senator Arroyo, who used to be my idol, is certainly losing it. He must have been the only one in that room who didn’t know that yes, all of them from Litong Lito and Defensor, to Atty. Bautista (barred from teaching in UP and Ateneo for some kind of a misdemeanour involving a female student kuno), to Razon and Defensor, all of them were in a conspiracy to keep the truth about the NBN-ZTE deal from the Filipino people.